Suicide Note

I didn't know how it feels to be at the mercy of others.

Until five hours ago.

It wasn't actually the first. I've asked him so many times for the things I needed. Those times, he asked me a lot of questions. It appeared to me as if he didn't want to help me with whatever I was struggling with that time. I was itching to tell him that I didn't want his help. It's just that I didn't have a choice. But I'm not an idiot to tell him that straight on. Maybe I was a coward. I was scared to tell him what my mind was screaming because I didn't want to lose the aid I was getting from him. As much as I hate to say it, he's my only hope. The last resort.

When I told him what my problem was, he gave me a blank and sort of surprised stare. Then, he said what I was expecting him to say. "Again?" he blurted out with a tinge of annoyance. I wasn't able to say anything. I was praying with all my might that he would just give me what I asked of him but then he said he doesn't have anything to give me at the moment. That was sure enough to make me understand. I'm not stupid after all. It was the next thing that he did that shattered what's left of my pride.

He produced a five peso coin from his pocket, extended his arm to me and said, "This is all I have."

The glimmer of the coin was enough to crush my world in three seconds. The back of my eyes burned with the unbelievable desire to cry but I guess my ego was a lot stronger. I didn't burst in tears in front of him. I even managed to laugh at his little joke. And I said, "It's all right. Maybe I can just come by next time." He walked out and I followed suit. I can't even believe I actually opened the passenger side door of his car for him and told him to take care. His eyes had the same empty sparkle. He's one of the hardest people to read. I just watched as his car sped away. I brought in the rain after that.

I went to my room and prayed.

It's just funny that I didn't actually pray for his death. I prayed for mine.

I begged Him to take me the instant I close my eyes. All I could hear was dead silence. All my memories didn't flash in front of my eyes like that in the movies. Nothingness was all I could see every time I close my eyes. I cried myself to sleep. I remember telling Him not to wake me up anymore before I fell on a deep slumber. Everything would be a lot easier if I just disappear. My mom wouldn't have to worry about my tuition anymore and I guess it would be great if she'd have one less mouth to feed. I'm not really of use to the family anyway. My siblings are a lot better than me. I guess they'll be fine without me so I'm not really worried about what I ask God. I was actually hoping that He'd give it to me. With the influx of acid inside my empty stomach, my eyes shut. I smiled. It's finally going to be over. That bastard won.

Obviously, God didn't grant my little wish. I guess it's all up to me now.

I may kill myself tonight. I may not. No one really knows. Maybe I'll chicken out later when everything is already set or maybe my mom would barge in the bathroom and scold me for being stupid. I'm not really sure about this and I don't even know why I entitled this blog as such. A part of me wants to get attention just to prove that there are people out there who actually care about my mundane existence. Another part of me just wants to end this once and for all. Then everything and everyone can move on without me.

So my dear reader, if ever you give a shit about the suicidal person who just wrote this suicide note, please pray for her soul. She'll need it.