On Broken Concentration and Severe Writer's Block
Day 221.
While the rest of my countrymen is busy helping out the victims of the flood, I'm here at home, sitting in front of a computer, writing something that would contain all my frustrations in life. This is what I love about having my own kingdom in cyberspace. Everything could be about me and nobody can say shit about it.
I wasn't able to go to work last night because there's basically no way for me to get to the office without swimming in crap-filled city fluids. Even though I didn't want to taint my somewhat perfect attendance, I was forced to stay in the safety of our humble abode. My mom threw a fit about me not coming to work. "Sayang double pay!" she said while I pretended not to care about what she has to say. That's just so typical of my mother and in a way, I understand. She's just in so much financial distress right now and I'm the life vest she's counting on. I just can't help being frustrated sometimes when she starts throwing back at me all the stuff she sacrificed when I was that carefree college girl who never excelled at anything related to her premedical discipline. Sometimes, I can't help wondering why she has to shove it all to my face. It's not like I asked her to sacrifice everything for me, right? I didn't ask her to send me to a kickass school to get a kickass education so I could land a kickass job. Well, a job wasn't really what I had in mind when I was in college because I was busy seeing myself as someone who has an M.D. at the end of her name. But still I tried to understand after the family financial situation went to hell. And now, while all my other friends are complaining about how difficult going through med school is, I'm in an office somewhere in Makati, taking in calls from customers who seem to have the same issue every single time. I really can't complain about the nature of the job because it's fairly easy and I'm compensated properly. I just hate that my mom is never satisfied. All the same, I just want her to know that I'm doing my best and while I'm not earning like a Mafia boss, this is all I have to give and she's going to have to live with that for the moment. I have no problem sharing with all her problems in life but she has to understand that I can't save her from everything and that I have my own dreams too. Somehow, someway, I have to save something for myself because as much as I want to live for this family, I also want to live for myself and for all the things I could call my life's work someday. That's all.
Aside from having family issues, I also have that issue that involves a potential special someone. There was this one night when he came to me drunk and told me the status of his love life. In summary, it's even more complicated than a cat's circulatory system and the weird thing is that I gave him my best advice. I'm not really sure if he took it but the way his Facebook relationship status greeted me last week, I can tell he did. I suffered through a weekend of broken concentration and severe writer's block. I was so goddamn distracted I wasn't able to even understand one freaking animated movie. I wanted to cry but what for? He's not even my boyfriend or something close to that. And to make matters worse, he decided to show up the other day just before I ran to work. He clearly looked like he's happy about something but I decided to be indifferent. I did say hi but before he could get me hooked up into his current love story again, I was out the door. I didn't even look back to check if I hurt his feelings but I really couldn't say I didn't care. I do care. Still. And it beats the shit out of me.
This is what I hate about staying at home. I tend to think about a lot of things and worry too much.
I can't wait to go to work later.
While the rest of my countrymen is busy helping out the victims of the flood, I'm here at home, sitting in front of a computer, writing something that would contain all my frustrations in life. This is what I love about having my own kingdom in cyberspace. Everything could be about me and nobody can say shit about it.
I wasn't able to go to work last night because there's basically no way for me to get to the office without swimming in crap-filled city fluids. Even though I didn't want to taint my somewhat perfect attendance, I was forced to stay in the safety of our humble abode. My mom threw a fit about me not coming to work. "Sayang double pay!" she said while I pretended not to care about what she has to say. That's just so typical of my mother and in a way, I understand. She's just in so much financial distress right now and I'm the life vest she's counting on. I just can't help being frustrated sometimes when she starts throwing back at me all the stuff she sacrificed when I was that carefree college girl who never excelled at anything related to her premedical discipline. Sometimes, I can't help wondering why she has to shove it all to my face. It's not like I asked her to sacrifice everything for me, right? I didn't ask her to send me to a kickass school to get a kickass education so I could land a kickass job. Well, a job wasn't really what I had in mind when I was in college because I was busy seeing myself as someone who has an M.D. at the end of her name. But still I tried to understand after the family financial situation went to hell. And now, while all my other friends are complaining about how difficult going through med school is, I'm in an office somewhere in Makati, taking in calls from customers who seem to have the same issue every single time. I really can't complain about the nature of the job because it's fairly easy and I'm compensated properly. I just hate that my mom is never satisfied. All the same, I just want her to know that I'm doing my best and while I'm not earning like a Mafia boss, this is all I have to give and she's going to have to live with that for the moment. I have no problem sharing with all her problems in life but she has to understand that I can't save her from everything and that I have my own dreams too. Somehow, someway, I have to save something for myself because as much as I want to live for this family, I also want to live for myself and for all the things I could call my life's work someday. That's all.
Aside from having family issues, I also have that issue that involves a potential special someone. There was this one night when he came to me drunk and told me the status of his love life. In summary, it's even more complicated than a cat's circulatory system and the weird thing is that I gave him my best advice. I'm not really sure if he took it but the way his Facebook relationship status greeted me last week, I can tell he did. I suffered through a weekend of broken concentration and severe writer's block. I was so goddamn distracted I wasn't able to even understand one freaking animated movie. I wanted to cry but what for? He's not even my boyfriend or something close to that. And to make matters worse, he decided to show up the other day just before I ran to work. He clearly looked like he's happy about something but I decided to be indifferent. I did say hi but before he could get me hooked up into his current love story again, I was out the door. I didn't even look back to check if I hurt his feelings but I really couldn't say I didn't care. I do care. Still. And it beats the shit out of me.
This is what I hate about staying at home. I tend to think about a lot of things and worry too much.
I can't wait to go to work later.
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