A New Protocol
I'm not really speaking on behalf of the human race here, but I think I'm right in saying that we all have something about ourselves that we're not happy about. Sometimes, these things, whether we like it or not, give us that funny feeling at the pit of our stomachs that makes us want to call our bosses, make up a dumb excuse for ditching work, and just take to the bed. That's exactly how I felt just three days ago. If I were still the immature, whiny person I was last year, I would've lost it.
I remember this one time I went to the doctor about 2 years ago. I was getting my heart checked out because I spent a day at work feeling like a chipmunk is doing somersaults in my ribcage. The doctor asked me since when I've been like this. I had to do a double take before I finally got what she meant. When I finally managed to drop an age, she was like, "Okay. So you've always been fat."
"Okay. So you've always been fat."
I refused to digest it at first. I even laughed at the comment multiple times. Then I went into my typical I-love-myself, mind-over-matter schemes that I normally go into when I'm about to feel sorry for myself and hate life for the next three to four days. Sometimes, I even fantasize about dying so I can find out who'll show up at my funeral and speak of the worthwhile things I've done with my life. So I can find out whether or not I'd been loved regardless of what I am.
I guess it's safe to say that I'm in a love-hate relationship with myself. Sure, there are a lot of stuff I like about who and what I am. It's just that sometimes, they're not enough to overshadow the bad, ugly stuff. Yeah, I can choose to be that strong, independent, with-zero-fucks-to-give kind of person who loves books, food, movies, and adventures instead of cute, little dresses, high heels, expensive makeup, and jewelry. I can be the renegade who doesn't believe in the system and wants to change the world with nothing but her art and spirit. I can be all the things opposite of what's beautiful and cool in the societal standard.
But let's face it—physically and socially beautiful gets people places more.
To be honest, I'm tired of buying my shirts and shoes from the men's department and then pretend like I'm this androgynous, mysterious girl who goes to work wearing a hippie scarf with hippie specs and unkempt hair. I'm tired of being the girl who never gets looked at twice because she's not thin and pretty. I'm tired of being afraid to go to parties because I'm scared of messing up in front of a handsome guy that I just developed serious feelings for. I'm tired of pretending to hate sweet couples and weddings and the idea of building a family with someone special someday just because I don't see one happening for myself anywhere in the horizon. I'm tired of what I've always been since my mom and dad started stuffing my face with banana- and apple-flavored Gerber.
Most of all, I'm tired of fake laughing at fat jokes and the people who make them.
Looks like a new protocol is in order.
I remember this one time I went to the doctor about 2 years ago. I was getting my heart checked out because I spent a day at work feeling like a chipmunk is doing somersaults in my ribcage. The doctor asked me since when I've been like this. I had to do a double take before I finally got what she meant. When I finally managed to drop an age, she was like, "Okay. So you've always been fat."
"Okay. So you've always been fat."
I refused to digest it at first. I even laughed at the comment multiple times. Then I went into my typical I-love-myself, mind-over-matter schemes that I normally go into when I'm about to feel sorry for myself and hate life for the next three to four days. Sometimes, I even fantasize about dying so I can find out who'll show up at my funeral and speak of the worthwhile things I've done with my life. So I can find out whether or not I'd been loved regardless of what I am.
I guess it's safe to say that I'm in a love-hate relationship with myself. Sure, there are a lot of stuff I like about who and what I am. It's just that sometimes, they're not enough to overshadow the bad, ugly stuff. Yeah, I can choose to be that strong, independent, with-zero-fucks-to-give kind of person who loves books, food, movies, and adventures instead of cute, little dresses, high heels, expensive makeup, and jewelry. I can be the renegade who doesn't believe in the system and wants to change the world with nothing but her art and spirit. I can be all the things opposite of what's beautiful and cool in the societal standard.
But let's face it—physically and socially beautiful gets people places more.
To be honest, I'm tired of buying my shirts and shoes from the men's department and then pretend like I'm this androgynous, mysterious girl who goes to work wearing a hippie scarf with hippie specs and unkempt hair. I'm tired of being the girl who never gets looked at twice because she's not thin and pretty. I'm tired of being afraid to go to parties because I'm scared of messing up in front of a handsome guy that I just developed serious feelings for. I'm tired of pretending to hate sweet couples and weddings and the idea of building a family with someone special someday just because I don't see one happening for myself anywhere in the horizon. I'm tired of what I've always been since my mom and dad started stuffing my face with banana- and apple-flavored Gerber.
Most of all, I'm tired of fake laughing at fat jokes and the people who make them.
Looks like a new protocol is in order.
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