What Doesn't Kill You Makes You an Angrier, More Competitive Kid Who Returns with a Vengeance

"You're either happy or angry but never sad. This is totally freaking me out," said one of my coworkers who kept bugging me the past few days because I was too eerily quiet. I just shrugged.

I have a confession to make. I used to be that angry, competitive kid who lashed out on everybody every time she lost a game. I wasn't okay with defeat, and I didn't handle it well. At a young age, I was made to realize that it's an ugly weakness I had to overcome and exerted effort to do so. All these years, I thought I'd already won against it. From grade school through college, I trained myself to be a good sport and I was. Looking back, I can say that I've handled all my losses quite maturely and even learned from them. That wasn't the case last Tuesday. The angry, competitive kid came back with a vengeance and bludgeoned me in the face. I almost lost it. Well, I did lose it with my social media blackout and everything. It was crazy, and I got stress-induced gastritis out of it.

I spent the last three days wallowing in self-pity and painful brooding because I lost a chance at a promotion, something I thought I had in the bag because of the feedback I got. I was smug the whole time and secretly patting myself in the back until last Tuesday when my boss informed me of the results. I basically switched to selective hearing after she said, "You didn't get it." At the back of my mind, I kind of expected it with my not-so impressive attendance record. I'm not exactly the dependable type, which I stupidly reiterated in my interview with my almost future boss. I thought I was being charmingly honest, but I was just being a moron with poor choice of words.

On top of that, I was also told that my Facebook presence isn't helping my case.

"You're an icon, Pam. People look up to you and whatever you do, they will mimic because they admire you. You might want to rethink some of your work-related posts."

"Some people might think you're spreading negative vibes on social media and given the number of your followers, you don't want that."

I really don't agree with the negative vibes thing and until now, I don't understand which one of my posts prompted my supervisor/friend to tell me that. But I do understand now where they're coming from. Just because I'm civilized (and funny) with my hating doesn't mean others would be. Unfortunately, there are people who only exist to bring other people down and they're always on the lookout for you to make the slightest slip. Like my best friend told me, "Being an open book is admirable and brave, but you'll never know when someone will set you on fire with your own pages." Honestly, I still don't believe that anyone could be that evil but given the state the world is in right now, it won't hurt to be careful.

So what have I learned and will change from this experience?

• My attitude makeover is way past due and I should get to it.
• From my best friend, "You should start believing in a Higher Power. Not necessarily one that religions preach, just a Higher Being that's bigger than everything you are and everything in this world. Because if you don't believe in anything, you'll always feel alone and powerless."
• From my sister, "Relax. You're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. It was just one promotion. Unlimited pizza is better."
• From my mom, "Don't stress yourself out on always topping your best. Your best is enough. You are enough. Don't ever think otherwise."
• From my brother, just a tight, silent, reassuring hug.
• About the social media thing, I've been thinking about it and I think I'm gonna slide right back to it and wing it. At this point, I'm not about to turn myself into that "suddenly mature and professional person" just because I'm scared of what other people might use against me and ruin my chances at a higher designation. Right now I'm just thankful I even have a job, promotion or no promotion. As for level-up haters, I'll cross the bridge when I get there and burn it to the ground.
• I've been beating myself up too much lately that I accidentally killed that angry, sarcastic, narcissistic girl who makes everyone laugh without breaking a sweat. Living without her for three straight days has been a total nightmare that I had to endure while trying to act like a human being at work. I'm gonna give her a jumpstart tomorrow, and I'll never ever switch her off like that ever again.

It has been a trying week for me. I honestly can say that this just made the list of my life's biggest disappointments. I'd never been more disappointed on myself actually. I felt like my personal hell of passion froze over but with the people I got to talk to especially my best friend and my family, a bigger, hotter, more intense personal hell just broke loose.

I guess what doesn't kill you makes you an angrier, more competitive kid who returns with a vengeance.