Stupid and Pathetic

For the record, I'm not drunk. I'm not writing this because I'm under the influence of liquid courage. I'm writing this because I have nothing else to do and I have a lot of things in my mind I want the world to know.

Last night, I was crying about something I'm not really sure about. I talked to my friend through Facebook chat and everything she said didn't help my unexplained drama episode. I cried even more. I hate feeling like that, being sad about something I can't point out. It's a bit scary too. I felt like I'm going to have a seizure or something. Okay. I should really stop watching House. I'm starting to interpret every single aching in my body as a symptom of a complicated disease only Dr. Gregory House can figure out and treat. Whatever. I love House and I won't stop watching it even if it means torching my laptop 24/7.

Okay. Enough about House. I'm not going to talk about my awesome dream about him last night. I'm here to talk about how I figured out the cause of my mysterious sadness last night. Before you go on reading, I'm going to tell you it's lame. There. You're warned.

When I woke up this morning, I suddenly realized that it's been five years since I had a boyfriend. Of course I shook off the thought and went to the bathroom to pee. Now lunch has already passed and I'm still thinking about my lame love life. I thought of my two best girlfriends who are now happy with their boyfriends. One of them I heard moved in with the guy already. They look happy enough to me. I really don't want to know the inside story. All I know is that I'm the loser in the group.

Let me tell you something about being lame in love.

I was in first year college when I broke up with my last boyfriend. I broke up with him because I fell in love with one of my classmates but I didn't tell him that. I just told him I'm having a hard time juggling my studies, my family and him which is a total lie. I'm a juggler. I never had difficulty juggling things. He bought my reason and tried convincing me to change my mind. I didn't. It took him almost a month to finally let me go. Everything happened over the phone. It hurt to hear him cry but I never let him hear how hurt I was for being such a bitch. And there goes my first real relationship.

It was pretty much a gamble. I gave up something that mattered to me in exchange for something uncertain. He's my friend and classmate. He's nice to me as I'm nice to him. It was when he started being extra nice that I expected something bigger. We were okay and each day we spend time together as friends, I fell even more. I never told him because I thought it would ruin everything. Even if I still had doubts about his motives, I still expected him to feel the same which is totally wrong. It was in second year when he started going crazy about some other girl. I laughed about it though it hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before. I lost control. For a moment, I forgot about my responsibilities as class president and screwed a lot of things up. Some of the screw-ups pissed him off. We had little misunderstandings that led to us not speaking to each other for two weeks. I cried in silence then and he never knew. It was hard getting things back to normal. We were civil for a while and then things got better again. Being with him is like driving a five-inch needle down my spine but I guess being with him is also the anesthetic. I loved him from afar, watched him love another and cried at the back of my brain. Yeah. I lost the gamble. I lost big time.

Now here I am, trying to be happy in a supposed-to-be resurrected relationship with a high school sweetheart. A long-distance relationship which I'm not really thrilled about. I guess karma really bounces back fast. There goes my heart.

To my ex-boyfriend who I dumped for a college crush, I'm sorry. I really am.

To the guy who is the subject of this blog, I loved you. I really did. But I guess it wasn't enough to make you feel the same. It's either fate wants me to suffer or your love is just more beautiful and intelligent than I am. It would really suck if fate wanted me to suffer and your love is just more beautiful and intelligent than I am but whatever. I guess I deserve this.

We're graduating this Friday and I'm not really sure if I would do anything crazy after the ceremony like telling you the truth about my feelings for you for the past four years. I guess it wouldn't matter. I bet you'd be busy telling her you're going to miss her and that you're going to visit her once in a while in med school. I guess I'll just stand behind her then and pretend that it was me you're talking to. Yeah. Stupid and pathetic. That's what happens when people love. They become stupid and pathetic.

I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss the time when you yelled at me for drinking before attending Botany class. I'm going to miss going to the movies and eating out with you and the gang. I'm going to miss your mad scientist laugh and crazily academic sense of humor. I'm going to miss you, Ratsky. Really. Thanks for everything. The best of luck to you and her. Till we meet again.

I love you.