Time and Patience
Day 247.
Right now, I feel like my skull is being slowly split into neat halves while the blood vessels around my heart are being strummed in a not-so-lovey-dovey sort of way. I don't exactly feel like I'm dying because if that's the case, I won't be in the right mind to write another piece of my sad little life. Despite all that, I'm still thankful that I'm still breathing today.
The past few days have been hard, I can say. Aside from the fact that my savings account got maxed out 36 hours after it was filled with my pay, I'm back to the confused sixteen-year-old that I always tend to turn into every time I go through tough times. People who think I matter told me to move forward and never give up. Most of the time, I just nod and smile to make them shut up. What they don't know is that what's going on inside my head is bigger and a lot more excruciating than the fact that I'm broke and is nowhere near accomplishing what I dreamed for myself. One of my bosses at work told me I'm still young and I have all the time in the world to do everything I have planned for my life. It's not that I don't agree with him. It's just that something changed my mind the other day.
Last Friday after I woke up, everything felt like another ordinary night. Just another night for me to take a shower, get dressed and show up for work. It was when I got out of bed that I actually thought I was going to die. It was actually already the second time that it happened. I fought to keep myself from blacking out as I limped towards my mom's bedroom, holding my chest with my hand as if someone's suddenly going to stick his hand in there and literally steal my heart forever. My mom was just as shaken as I was. She caressed my back while telling me to calm down and that everything's going to be okay. Everything didn't feel okay on my side and so I started crying. I felt like a very heavy object is having a vacation on my chest and I made it worse by panicking. It took almost ten minutes for me to finally calm down. The heaviness gradually wore off but was replaced by something that felt like someone's plucking my cardiac blood vessels like the strings of a harp. I just laid there beside my mom while she called my supervisor at work. It was the scariest half hour of my life.
The next day, my mom took me to the doctor and basically did all the talking. I underwent an ECG while the doctor asked me the usual stuff. After the consultation, I was advised to rest for 3-5 days and by all means possible, stay away from meat. At that point, I didn't care. All I know is that I want to live.
The past few days that I'm held prisoner at home eating leaves for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I had a lot of time to think things through. I guess that's what happens when death stares you right in the face and you somehow manage to look away and scram. I think it's time I finally listen to one of my mother's most famous life lectures about healthy living. She always tells me I don't have to be a hardcore vegan to live healthy. I just need to control myself and find time to exercise. She even asked me if I wasn't curious about being slim. She did have a point with that. All my life I've been the chubby girl who's scared of going to formal social gatherings just because she thinks no gown will ever look good on her. Of course I want to know how it feels to be beautiful in the eyes of society even just for one day. It just sucks that I didn't start working on it when I had the energy and time to do so. Oh what the hell! I'm just 22, dammit! I can still do it if I just put my mind into it!
I guess that would be one of my life's missions from now on - lose weight and stay alive. As for the other missions I have in mind, I'll work on them in the process. Everything takes time and patience, right?
Right now, I feel like my skull is being slowly split into neat halves while the blood vessels around my heart are being strummed in a not-so-lovey-dovey sort of way. I don't exactly feel like I'm dying because if that's the case, I won't be in the right mind to write another piece of my sad little life. Despite all that, I'm still thankful that I'm still breathing today.
The past few days have been hard, I can say. Aside from the fact that my savings account got maxed out 36 hours after it was filled with my pay, I'm back to the confused sixteen-year-old that I always tend to turn into every time I go through tough times. People who think I matter told me to move forward and never give up. Most of the time, I just nod and smile to make them shut up. What they don't know is that what's going on inside my head is bigger and a lot more excruciating than the fact that I'm broke and is nowhere near accomplishing what I dreamed for myself. One of my bosses at work told me I'm still young and I have all the time in the world to do everything I have planned for my life. It's not that I don't agree with him. It's just that something changed my mind the other day.
Last Friday after I woke up, everything felt like another ordinary night. Just another night for me to take a shower, get dressed and show up for work. It was when I got out of bed that I actually thought I was going to die. It was actually already the second time that it happened. I fought to keep myself from blacking out as I limped towards my mom's bedroom, holding my chest with my hand as if someone's suddenly going to stick his hand in there and literally steal my heart forever. My mom was just as shaken as I was. She caressed my back while telling me to calm down and that everything's going to be okay. Everything didn't feel okay on my side and so I started crying. I felt like a very heavy object is having a vacation on my chest and I made it worse by panicking. It took almost ten minutes for me to finally calm down. The heaviness gradually wore off but was replaced by something that felt like someone's plucking my cardiac blood vessels like the strings of a harp. I just laid there beside my mom while she called my supervisor at work. It was the scariest half hour of my life.
The next day, my mom took me to the doctor and basically did all the talking. I underwent an ECG while the doctor asked me the usual stuff. After the consultation, I was advised to rest for 3-5 days and by all means possible, stay away from meat. At that point, I didn't care. All I know is that I want to live.
The past few days that I'm held prisoner at home eating leaves for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I had a lot of time to think things through. I guess that's what happens when death stares you right in the face and you somehow manage to look away and scram. I think it's time I finally listen to one of my mother's most famous life lectures about healthy living. She always tells me I don't have to be a hardcore vegan to live healthy. I just need to control myself and find time to exercise. She even asked me if I wasn't curious about being slim. She did have a point with that. All my life I've been the chubby girl who's scared of going to formal social gatherings just because she thinks no gown will ever look good on her. Of course I want to know how it feels to be beautiful in the eyes of society even just for one day. It just sucks that I didn't start working on it when I had the energy and time to do so. Oh what the hell! I'm just 22, dammit! I can still do it if I just put my mind into it!
I guess that would be one of my life's missions from now on - lose weight and stay alive. As for the other missions I have in mind, I'll work on them in the process. Everything takes time and patience, right?
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