Glitch

Day 104.

I've been whining silently to myself lately. I've been doing so because I don't want the wrong words to come out of my mother's mouth, words that will ultimately cut off what's left of my pride. Turns out, I'm our family's life vest at this moment. I'm the first to graduate from college so apparently, I'd be the last to do whatever it is I want to do with my life. Family first.

I actually have no issues with the whole family life vest thing because for one, I have no idea what to do with my life. I just officially quit my job and now, I don't know where to go. I've been torching Google for the last two hours trying to find a job for a BS Biology graduate like me and the top results were teaching jobs which I've just gotten myself out of. On the other hand, call center companies are also hiring people like me for some reason I can't really wrap my brain around. My mom's friends always tell me that there are opportunities for BS Bio grads like me in call centers and I just keep making a face that will make them believe that I actually believe what they just said. I have nothing against call centers really but I don't know what I find so off about them either.

Okay. I just came up with the most sensible diagnosis of my case.

I'm a kid - immature, irresponsible and unstable.

I'm irrevocably incapable of being the opposite of the attributes I just mentioned above. I have trouble committing to anything. I don't want to have responsibilities, priorities and a bunch of people expecting me to turn into a superstar rocket scientist genius overnight. All I want is to wake up everyday and write about what I think about the world, how it should've been if World Wars I and II never broke out and what it would be in the future. I love to think and write. I guess that's what I do best and I also guess it's not actually something that could put food on the table.

Here's another confession - I'm scared of growing up. Believe me, it sounds downright stupid to me too because I used to be so sure of myself. I used to be so confident and proud of my abilities and I used to think that nobody could ever stand a chance with me when it comes to talents. But as the old song goes, "Even the best fall down sometimes."

I've been through a lot the past ten months, got my fair share of praises from people I've pleased with what I did and at the same time, a huge load of painful encounters that scarred my colossal ego. I pretended to be tough, showed everyone that I didn't care about what others said about my shortcomings but deep inside, I did and I was hurt. I guess I was just too proud to even admit that to myself and to show the world that I can do whatever I want and nobody can say shit about it. I cried silent tears behind everyone's back while putting up a jolly, happy-go-lucky facade. And here's what I realized - I'm not yet ready for the real world. I'm not ready to be drawn into fine wires and eventually be made into something that the world would benefit from. I'm too naive and selfish to even think at team function. In zoological terms, I'm still a larvae, not yet a full-grown adult Anopheles ready to spread some killer moves. I actually feel sorry for myself right now.

Right now, I really think this is just a glitch caused by my depressed hormones. This will pass. I guess I just needed an outlet.

Tomorrow, I will get up, dress up and show up and show everyone that I'm better than what they think.

I will prove them all wrong.