Dead Air and Stifled Mini Panic Attacks

Day 180.

Okay. My sister was right. I have this uncontrollable and unintentional habit of jinxing things.

Two days ago, I announced to the world through this blog that I'm irrevocably happy, that I can't ask for more because I have a new job and things are going well for me. For the past 48 hours, my brain swam in a remarkable sea of endorphins - one thing that I haven't felt since the last time I got totally wasted and threw up on things and people that were within my vomiting range. Yeah. No one could totally be too happy for very long.

I just feel so frustrated and scared right now which is downright ridiculous for a secretly conceited bitch like me. I even feel frustrated of being frustrated. I'm not like this. I used to be the girl who is so sure of herself, one who could go around pointing out to other people's faces that she's better than everybody else if she chooses to but doesn't. I'm nice in all aspects of interpersonal stuff but when I'm alone, I highly regard myself. Sometimes, I even imagine the tall buildings of Makati bow down as I pass by. I always tell myself that I'm the best and that I can do anything. As a result, I almost always think of trying to kill myself every time I fail. But not today. I'm too emotionally mixed up to even think of some way to elegantly end my own life.

I basically had my first taste of call center life earlier when we had our validations. Our trainer got us all paired up - one with call center experience and the other a newbie. Our task was to simulate a call wherein one would act as the customer and the other the CSR and then vice-versa. I'm just glad I was paired with one of the best in our bunch. I did learn a lot from her but at the same time, I got unbelievably pressured to match the excellence of her practice. Most people would say it was just the first wave of mock calls throughout the duration of the training but I still believe it's a valid reason to freak out. And yeah I did freak out resulting to a mock call thick with dead air and stifled mini panic attacks.

I'm really scared. Tomorrow will be the last day of CCT and the day our trainer evaluates and decides who goes on to PST and who returns to the black abyss of unemployment. I hope I could summon what's left of my narcissism and nail my mock call. I just need this job so fuckin' bad.