Indifference

"What others think of you is none of your business."

Yeah.

I've been a known giver of fucks for too long.

Today, it's gotta stop.

Even though today wasn't really that great of a day for me, I realized one important thing - I have to stop giving a damn about what other people would think because for one, it's my fucking life and two, I have the right to fucking live it however the fuck I want.

For the past few days, I've been stressing about the thoughts of others about me and it only got me to two places - one is the office bathroom where no one can see me crying like a little bitch and the other my bed where I laid and prayed for death to get me. It's pathetic and exhausting.

After an episode of a public reprimand courtesy of one of my supervisors today, I cried in the bathroom yet again for 15 minutes and went back to my station faking a sleep-deprived face. As awesome as I felt about everyone buying my little show, I also felt sorry for myself. It was actually my fault and I don't really expect anyone to be okay with my attendance for the past few days but a telling off on the production floor? I don't think that's fair not to mention professional. But who am I kidding? Nowadays, every boss seems to have the right to be unprofessional when they're angry about something one of their minions has done. In this case, I'm the minion and my boss could screw with my seemingly absent feelings however and whenever he/she wants especially when he/she has the perfect excuse like my fucked up attendance. And so I bowed like a human tortured from the inside by a sadistic, mind-controlling vampire. After my shift, I went out of the office feeling nothing and that's when I decided, I'm not gonna waste my time giving a fuck.

Maybe my resignation will be granted or maybe my boss will just decide to slap a crisp sheet of disciplinary action form across my puppy dog face when I pretend to beg for my mundane job. I don't really care. What I do care about right now is getting a real, badass job, something that doesn't sound mainstream and I can be proud of. Fuck records and employment history. They don't define a person the way grades don't define intelligence.

So that's my first New Year's Resolution - DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

More to come.

I need to sleep.