Unemployment and Laziness

So I officially quit my job last January 9th. When I told my mom all about it, she did what I expected down to the littlest detail. She looked at me like I just murdered five children with a machine gun and said, "Ano nang plano mo?" I didn't say anything and God am I thankful she didn't push it! I went to my room after that to get some sleep and forget about the world for a while.

It's been four days and I'm nowhere near deciding what I want to do next. I've spent the last few days checking my Facebook every five minutes and updating my tweets every two. Every time my mom steps into my room, I plug my earphones in and turn the music up. I feel useless as it is. I don't need her comments to feel a lot worse. But in all fairness to her, she's finally learning to be sensitive when it comes to her eldest daughter's feelings. Among us siblings, I'd say I'm the most emotional though I don't say much. I just shut myself out from the world, listen to music, read a book, watch a movie or write. Most of my friends would disagree because I'm different around them but when I'm with family, I'm the stay-on-one-corner-and-laugh-when-something's-funny type. I make up for all the noise I can't make at home with friends somewhere else.

So my mom talked to me the other day about getting a job over dinner. Well, she didn't really talk to me straight on about it. She just brought it up in the middle of my cousin and I discussing the awesomeness of Death Race 3. I asked my cousin to get the banana loaf from the fridge and my mom made a face. "Nagsabi ako ng maayos," I said rather defensively and she answered, "Ikaw na nga kumuha! Utos ka ng utos! Lahat kami nagtrabaho maghapon tapos ikaw ano? Anong ginawa mo? Nag-computer ka lang eh!" She didn't say it the way most people would imagine. She was actually smiling and that made it a lot worse. I fell silent and so was everyone on the table. And so my mom was like, "I know it's not a nice thing to say but you got my point." I slowly left the table after that so as not to be labeled rude. She practically stayed away from me for 24 hours after that and I'm glad she did.

For everyone's information, I'm feeling more useless than usual. Everyday I suffer under the mocking, wordless glances of my mother who would rather cut me with her eyes than her words. Of course I act like I don't give a shit but deep inside I want to run far, far away. My smartass subconscious tells me, "Why don't you just get another job?" Okay. That's probably the answer to all of my problems but I don't know. On one hand, I don't want to be an employee. I suck at it. I guess that's how kids who grew up in a dynasty of bosses turn out. My parents were businessmen and growing up, I practically witnessed how it is to be a boss better than how it is to be an employee. In a way, it's an excuse for my laziness and as usual, I really don't give a shit.

I'm actually on the verge of jumping at an encoder position somewhere in Global City just to silence my mom once and for all. I told her I want a position at DOST's Office of the Secretary and she said she's going to talk to some of her friends there. I don't know if her friends suddenly died or something because I haven't heard anything yet but whatever. I'm done begging for my mom's support. It's exhausting.

I guess I'm done here. I still have a whole day of being a useless daughter.

Ciao!