Self-Conjured Tragedy
Day 37.
Right now, I'm fantasizing about killing myself.
I used to think that OD is the most dramatic suicidal act but on the other hand, I think blood makes things more interesting. Maybe slashing my right wrist right now should do it. However, it's going to take a little time. If I would slash my right jugular, I should die instantly but there's going to be blood all over and I didn't want my mom to hate me for making our bathroom look like a room where a cow has been slaughtered in. If I would take a whole bottle of sleeping pills before I sleep tonight, I'd be gone by tomorrow. Okay. Maybe OD is the most theatrical way of killing oneself. I'm going to consider it and just forget about the gory death seen only in lame zombie movies.
Maybe I'm kidding. Maybe I'm not. No one really knows. Right now, I see my life as an insignificant figure in this world. So fucking insignificant that if I kill myself tonight, no one would really bother grieving at my self-conjured tragedy. The world will not really stop once I sell my soul to the devil. No one would really care asking why I made such a choice. No one except for those who are biologically programmed to feel sorry for me. I think some people would even celebrate my death like it's the passing of a tyrannic dynasty. Some would dance at my corpse like a conquered enemy. Some would say, "Salamat! Wala na si Pam! Wala namang kwenta yan! Dapat lang na namatay siya!"
At this point, I don't really care. My whole life I've been trying to save everyone from everything even if it means giving up the things that matter to me. I didn't force my mom to send me to med school for the simple reason that I want to save her from future miseries. I stayed in a workplace I hated with all my guts for the simple reason that I want to save my students from going through a big change in their educational formation. I stopped writing for the simple reason that writing cannot pay for the things my family wants and needs. I stopped dreaming for myself for the simple reason that I want to save what's left of my family.
This is where my messiah complex makes a screeching halt.
I believe now is the perfect time for me to be selfish.
So my dear reader, whoever you are, consider yourself informed of the reason for my possible absence tomorrow and for the rest of eternity. Just pray for what's left of my sanity to prevail. I'm gonna fucking need it.
Right now, I'm fantasizing about killing myself.
I used to think that OD is the most dramatic suicidal act but on the other hand, I think blood makes things more interesting. Maybe slashing my right wrist right now should do it. However, it's going to take a little time. If I would slash my right jugular, I should die instantly but there's going to be blood all over and I didn't want my mom to hate me for making our bathroom look like a room where a cow has been slaughtered in. If I would take a whole bottle of sleeping pills before I sleep tonight, I'd be gone by tomorrow. Okay. Maybe OD is the most theatrical way of killing oneself. I'm going to consider it and just forget about the gory death seen only in lame zombie movies.
Maybe I'm kidding. Maybe I'm not. No one really knows. Right now, I see my life as an insignificant figure in this world. So fucking insignificant that if I kill myself tonight, no one would really bother grieving at my self-conjured tragedy. The world will not really stop once I sell my soul to the devil. No one would really care asking why I made such a choice. No one except for those who are biologically programmed to feel sorry for me. I think some people would even celebrate my death like it's the passing of a tyrannic dynasty. Some would dance at my corpse like a conquered enemy. Some would say, "Salamat! Wala na si Pam! Wala namang kwenta yan! Dapat lang na namatay siya!"
At this point, I don't really care. My whole life I've been trying to save everyone from everything even if it means giving up the things that matter to me. I didn't force my mom to send me to med school for the simple reason that I want to save her from future miseries. I stayed in a workplace I hated with all my guts for the simple reason that I want to save my students from going through a big change in their educational formation. I stopped writing for the simple reason that writing cannot pay for the things my family wants and needs. I stopped dreaming for myself for the simple reason that I want to save what's left of my family.
This is where my messiah complex makes a screeching halt.
I believe now is the perfect time for me to be selfish.
So my dear reader, whoever you are, consider yourself informed of the reason for my possible absence tomorrow and for the rest of eternity. Just pray for what's left of my sanity to prevail. I'm gonna fucking need it.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI laud you for being very brave. I feel like we have the same thoughts about certain things but unlike you, I chose to just keep it to myself, no spilling; be it written or outspoken. I commend you for writing these things that I assume are so personal but you chose to have them posted publicly. And woah, hats off to your reason why you worked as a teacher. Although I think taking away your life is indeed selfish, I also think there are some ways to be selfish and being alive at the same time. I don't really know if you're planning to, I'm just assuming so yea. Try to consider this: Alive and selfish.
You're very good at things I don't consider myself good at. I envy you and your talent and your bravery. All of these just make me feel like my skills aren't enough for me to make it into the work force or anywhere just yet. All I have is the will to hone my skills and hope that the things I do now will bear sweet ripe mangoes in the future. It might be my idealistic side still working at the age of 20 something but yea... this is my way of being selfish and alive. Just thought I'd share. There are people who are willing to listen to your rants and raves. And also, there's a Job Fair going on at UST, until friday. Just thought I'd share as well in case you're looking for a new career.
-Theonewholovesmangoes
First off, I just want to say that I'm very much overwhelmed by the length of your response. I don't usually get this kind of comments and yeah, you made my night. It just saddens me that of all the people who are supposed to be there to be proud of me, a stranger would have this impression on my persona based on how I write my thoughts. Nonetheless, I'm still grateful.
DeleteI really want to tell you a lot of stuff but things are just so chaotic in my head right now. I hope I can meet you one day and exchange stories with you. It's not everyday that I meet people who think along the same line as I do. And thanks also for the info about the job fair. I'd really love to visit but my current job just won't allow me to do that at the moment.
I'd really bless the day that I get to talk to you. I hope that didn't creep you out or anything. Haha! But seriously, I need to talk to people of my own kind. Haha! :)